Ways to help my kids
There are many publications and websites that may help you and your children. Some are for children specifically, while some contain information for parents on ways to help their kids. It is a good idea for parents to review the information first, to make sure it is age-appropriate for their children.
Some of these resources are about separation and divorce specifically, while some contain more general information.
This booklet is published by the Public Health Agency of Canada, and provides information to assist parents in helping their children through the process of separation and divorce. The booklet includes information on topics such as:
- Parenting through separation and divorce
- Helping children at every age
- Parenting is forever: developing a cooperative parenting relationship
- A child’s age and stage of development make a difference
- Parenting after separation and divorce
This booklet is published by the Department of Justice Canada, and provides information for children between the ages of 9 and 12, whose parents are separating or divorcing. It is meant to give children basic information about family law, and the processes that their parents might be going through. It also emphasizes that it is normal for children to react emotionally when their parents separate or divorce.
Though this booklet is meant for children, some children might need help reading it, depending on their reading level. Parents may want to view the booklet first to make sure it is appropriate for their child.
The booklet contains lots of pictures, and an activities section at the end. Some topics covered in the booklet are:
- Everything is changing
- Coming up with a plan for you
- Living in two homes
- What happens if there is violence?
- Blended families and extended families, foster families and guardianship
- When one parent moves far away
This guide is published by the Department of Justice Canada, and provides information about parenting after separation and divorce, including:
- how to decide on the best parenting arrangement for your children
- what processes you can use to come to a parenting arrangement
- what you (parents) may be feeling
- what your children may be feeling
The goal of a parenting plan is to minimize conflict between parents by allowing them to come up with their own arrangements for how they will parent their children. A schedule of parenting arrangements will normally deal with all issues that may come up and suggest ways to solve problems or issues that parents did not consider before.
This tool is published by the Department of Justice Canada, and provides detailed information on how to develop a parenting plan after separation or divorce.
You can also find more information about parenting plans on this website here.
This is a series of 4 booklets, developed by Nova Scotia’s Department of Health and Wellness, for parents with children aged birth to 3 years. These booklets provide information to help young families protect, promote, or improve their health, and to prevent illness, injury or disability. The first 3 booklets focus on babies and children at specific ages: Birth to 6 months, 6 to 12 months, and 1 to 3 years. The fourth book, Loving Care: Parents and Families, provides information for parents of children of any age.
This booklet is produced by the Public Health Agency of Canada, and provides parents with information to understand how children commonly react to stressful situations, depending on their age. It also explains ways that parents can help their children cope with stress.
This website offers information for kids and teens on a variety of topics, including:
- Violence & Abuse
- Violence & Abuse
- Family (including section on separation, divorce, custody)
- Emotional Health
Children, teens and young adults can also call the Kids Help Phone at 1 800 668 6868 to speak with a professional counselor. This service is available from anywhere in Canada, 24 hours a day, every day of the year. Kids, teens and young adults can talk to the counselor about any issue, for anonymous and confidential support.
This is a website by the Nemours Foundation, an American foundation involved with children’s health issues. This site offers information on various topics for parents, kids, and teens. Some of the topics addressed include:
- General Health
- Emotions & Behavior
- Positive Parenting
- Staying Healthy
- People, Places & Things that Help
- Your Body
- Your Mind
- Sexual Health
- Drugs & Alcohol
This information is contained on the Nova Scotia Department of Health and Wellness website, and includes information on:
- contacting the various health authorities in Nova Scotia who provide help in the areas of mental health and addictions services for children and youth
- teens and depression
- helpful links for children and youth
- links to other Canadian child and youth services sites
For a list of other mental health and addictions resources, please click here.
There are many parent and family resource centres throughout Nova Scotia. The services and programs offered at each centre may differ, so you should contact the centre nearest you to find out what they offer. Many of these centres offer programs for moms, dads and kids, and many programs and services are low- or no-cost.
For a listing of Family Resource Centres in Nova Scotia, click here.
Everybody experiences stress and difficult times in their lives. It is often helpful to talk to someone about your situation. You can talk to a trusted friend, family member, or community member. You can also speak with a professional counselor.
Meeting with a counselor can be a way to discuss your situation with someone who is a neutral person – they don’t know you or your situation, so they don’t have previous opinions about you, and won’t ‘take sides.’ The information you share with a counselor remains confidential (there may be some exceptions to this, like if you give the counselor information about a child who is being abused or neglected).
Counselors may deal with all sorts of issues, like grief and loss, depression and anxiety, stress, anger, alcohol and drug abuse, gambling problems, and relationships. Counselors may offer services to individual adults, couples, and children. Counseling can sometimes take place in group sessions, or one-on-one.
You do not have to have a serious mental health problem or mental illness to go to a counselor. Counselors meet with all kinds of people from different backgrounds, who need to talk to someone about a difficult situation they are in, or just about stress in general.
To find a counselor, it may be helpful for you to start by talking to your family doctor. They may be able to recommend a counselor, or refer you to a counseling service. If you have an Employee Assistance Plan (EAP), you may be able to access counseling services for yourself or your children through this plan. Talk to a human resources person at your workplace about what services might be available to you. You can also talk to your medical insurance provider for what services might be covered by your insurance. A family resource centre may also be able to provide you with information on counseling services available in your area.
For a list of counseling services in Nova Scotia, click here.
For a list of mental health services in Nova Scotia, click here.
The following are excerpts from the Nova Scotia Task Force on Cyberbullying’s Report ‘Respectful and Responsible Relationships: There’s No App for That’
Bullying among youth has existed for a very long time. More recently it has been recognized as a problem requiring responses. Even more recently, the labeling of bullying behaviour among adults has also become more common. A recognition that adults can and do engage in bullying behaviour is helpful in encouraging the dialogue about solutions aimed at a more global/universal approach. It also helps to see the issues as broader than just the behaviour of youth. An effective approach needs to be based upon building solutions that will address the underlying factors that contribute to bullying at all levels of society.
There are many modern studies on adolescent brain development that suggest that children at that stage in their lives do not operate well at an emotional level and have difficulty feeling empathy for others. A possibly related factor is the failure of the adults in children’s lives to properly instill core values and empathy for others beyond themselves. This is not to blame the parents and the teachers exclusively, as young people must also take responsibility for their actions. However, adult behaviour and adult role models play a significant role in bullying and cyberbullying among the young.
Too often the adults in the families, schools and broader communities within which our children grow and develop have failed to nurture in them the attitudes and skills essential to a civil society – that is, compassion and responsibility. As a result, children who bully lack the social skills, perceptions and responsibility that would allow them to be less aggressive and self-centered in their interactions with others. According to developmental psychologists such as Jean Piaget and Richard Tremblay, children are born aggressive. Aggression is a survival mechanism. As they grow, they learn alternative ways of getting their needs met. But that maturation process doesn’t happen naturally; it must be nurtured.
And that nurturing process is part of the role of parents -- to tame the natural impulses to harm others or to act selfishly. Children learn what the adults in their lives teach them. They need adults to help them understand bullying and promote development of essential skills, perceptions and responsibility.
To read more from the Report, click here.
For more information and resources about bullying:
This website provides information for kids about bullying, and includes a video for children that demonstrates what bullying is, and ways to deal with it.
This site includes reports on ‘Cyberbullying: Reality Check’ and ‘Make It Stop: Kids Talk to Kids Help Phone about Bullying’
A part of the Public Health Agency of Canada website that includes information about the affects of bullying, and a 2 page printable factsheet.
Centre for Children and Families in the Justice System - Information for helping children exposed to domestic violence
Child Help Initiative Program - Native Council of Nova Scotia
Help for Kids - Department of Justice Canada Publications - Includes calendars for children, and more
Nobody's Perfect - A parenting education and support program for parents of children from birth to age five. It is designed to meet the needs of parents who are young, single, socially or geographically isolated or who have low income or limited formal education.
What’s Wrong with Spanking? – Information on child discipline and helping children behave well
Emotional Health Among Canadian Youth - Public Health Agency of Canada
For resources for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered youth, click here.
For resources for children with disabilities, click here.
The Parent Information Program (PIP) assists parties involved in a custody or access court proceeding to support their children during the process and to identify and practice ways to keep children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict. Anyone involved with a custody or access court proceeding will be signed up for a group PIP session by court staff, including grandparents making an application in regards to their grandchildren. Your ex-partner will be signed up for a different session – you will not attend together. You cannot bring your children to PIP with you. PIP is offered throughout Nova Scotia at most of the Family Courts and at the Supreme Court (Family Divisions).
In the Supreme Court (Family Divisions) in Halifax, Sydney and Port Hawkesbury, PIP is a mandatory program for those involved with a custody or access application. This is a requirement under Civil Procedure Rule 59.17. The Civil Procedure Rules are the rules that tell the Family Division courts what procedures and forms they have to use.
In the Family Courts located elsewhere in Nova Scotia, PIP is a recommended, but not mandatory, program. This is because these courts operate using a different set of rules.
Parties will be signed up for a PIP session by court staff, and a letter with the date and time of their session will be mailed out to them, or served on them with the rest of their paperwork, depending on the situation. The letter may also be given to the person’s lawyer, if applicable. People can also attend PIP voluntarily, but must contact their local PIP coordinator to be signed up. PIP is not a walk-in service.
The main goals of the Parent Information Program are:
- To increase parents’ awareness of the impact of parental conflict on children
- To improve communication between parents about their children’s needs
- To provide new ways to avoid placing children in the middle of issues between their parents.
During your PIP session, you will receive general information from trained volunteer facilitators about options for resolving disputes, the effects of parental conflict on children, and learn techniques for dealing with conflict without placing the children in the middle. The Parent Information Program is not about teaching you to be a parent, but to provide you with information that can help you, your child, and your child’s other parent when you are living apart. You will not have to share personal information about your situation during your PIP session.
Sessions are usually 3 hours long, and each session is lead by two facilitators. The PIP facilitators use a script to deliver each session, to make sure that everyone attending PIP in Nova Scotia is receiving the same information. There are also videos used in the PIP sessions to show different ways that children can get caught in the middle of their parents’ disputes.
The videos were developed by the Association des juristes d’expression française de la
Nouvelle-Écosse (AJEFNE) in conjunction with the Nova Scotia Department of Justice, to improve the accessibility of the Parent Information Program by making program content available in both English and French.
The videos do not stand alone, but are meant as a tool to help program facilitators introduce new ideas and to stimulate and focus discussion among the participants. The videos cannot possibly address all of the difficult situations that parents and children face, but they give some examples of behaviors that should be avoided, and better ways of dealing with tricky situations.
The videos focus on emotions, actions, words, and impacts. Each video has three parts (the ‘bad’ way, the adult perspective, and the ‘better way’). The people in these videos are Nova Scotians who are not professional actors, but who agreed to appear in the videos for the benefit of the program.
Notice how easily the children in the videos are placed in the middle of their parents’ issues. Some other things to think about while watching the videos:
- notice what people are saying and why
- consider how people may be feeling
- try not to focus on who is right or wrong, but how the children are feeling
- look at how the children respond to their parents
- notice the emotions the parents and children are experiencing
- think about the adult child’s retrospective, demonstrating the long-lasting effect of parental conflict
What is ‘high conflict’?
There is no simple definition of ‘high conflict.’ It is hard to figure out why some parents are able to separate with little difficulty, while others seem to get ‘stuck’ in conflict after separation, unable to step away from it, and unable to protect their children from the negative consequences of conflict.
Several important factors have been considered in the literature to determine the type of conflict and the level of it, and how often it occurs, in high conflict divorce or separation situations (Saini & Polak, 2010). Some of these factors include:
- the presence of mental health problems
- the presence of substance (drug and alcohol) use/abuse
- criminal history of either parent
- negative patterns of conflict resolution and communication
- the identification of blame for the end of the couple relationship (one person blaming the other for causing them to break up)
- the lack of trust between ex-partners
- the unequal division of assets (for example, money and property)
- different or inconsistent views of how to parent their children
- the presence of emotional, physical or sexual abuse
- lack of appropriate and healthy parent-child boundaries
- multiple complaints to child protection services and/or police services
- the number of professionals involved with either parent
- more frequent attendance at court
- the negative involvement of external supports (for example, friends and family members) by ‘taking sides,’ and contributing to ongoing hatred, hostility and disrespect between the people involved.
How big is the problem of high conflict after divorce?
In Canada, 37% of all marriages will end in divorce before the couple’s 30th wedding anniversary (Statistics Canada, 2006). Of these, 25% will divorce before their 4th wedding anniversary. Over a third (1/3) of all divorces in Canada involve children. In 2000, 1 in 3 divorce cases involved custody or access issues related to dependent children. These numbers are low estimates, because these reported numbers do not include other romantic relationships that end in separation, like couples who have children but did not get married, same sex couples who share children, and married couples who separate but do not get divorced.
Most separating or divorcing couples are able to work through initial feelings of anger, disappointment, and loss quickly and re-establish healthy relationships with their ex-partners and their children (Bacon & McKenzie, 2004). However, about 40% of ex-partner interactions are considered conflictual at the time of separation (meaning that there is arguing and tension between the separating partners) (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). Of these, 10% remain in high conflict no matter how much time passes (Maccoby, Depner & Mnookin, 1990).
What are the different kinds of relationships of parents after separation and divorce?
According to Ahrons (2004), relationships between former partners can be grouped into five categories. The first two are fairly positive - both parents continue to have relationships with their children, and the disruption of a separation or divorce is minimized.
In the last three categories, lack of support and cooperation between parents causes problems for both the children and adults.
Perfect pals are former spouses who remain friends after a separation or divorce. The decision to divorce is usually mutual (both spouses agree to get divorced) and they still like and respect each other, which helps them cooperate. They do not allow anger or hurt feelings to interfere with their parenting. With a common concern for their children, they often share decision-making, child care and they both participate in their children’s celebrations. This type of relationship, while rare, makes a child’s adjustment to separation or divorce relatively easy.
Cooperative colleagues may not be friends, but they can cooperate and make compromises for the children. Although they may disagree over issues, they keep their conflicts under control. There is some sharing of decision-making and child rearing tasks, and some participation in major life events. Cooperative colleagues help each other in times of crisis. Their priority is to do what is best for their children. Though there may be conflict in the cooperative colleague relationships, the conflict is managed effectively.
These are former spouses who remain angry after the separation. Because they remain angry, parenting together is difficult. There is little flexibility in their arrangements, and negotiating about their arrangements brings up old pain. The children are usually caught in the middle of these conflicts. Events such as birthdays may be stressful. Other family members may be drawn into the conflict. Angry associates may not help each other in times of crisis or stress. Children suffer much more from the effects of separation and divorce when their parents have this kind of relationship.
Fiery foes are so angry with each other that they cannot co-parent. Each feels the other is an enemy and focuses on what they think the other person has done wrong. The anger never dies. Custody negotiations are a battle; support payments and visitation become weapons. Children become pawns in the conflict and are often forced to take sides. Major events such as birthdays become opportunities to resume battle. One parent may be excluded from such events to avoid conflict. This kind of relationship is extremely hard on children.
These are former spouses who stop having contact with each other after the separation or divorce. One parent may move from the area, completely withdrawing from their former life.
Why do some parents remain in high conflict situations after they separate?
There are many reasons why some parents remain in high conflict despite the fact that time has gone by (Hopper, 2001).
First, high conflict may come from an unequal sharing of the resources or power in the ex-partner relationship. In these situations, both parents may try to get as much as they can financially from the relationship, such as money and property, but the power imbalance between the ex-partners creates and maintains the conflict (Weitzman, 1985).
Second, conflict can be played out by the adversarial nature of the legal system (one person against the other). For example, ex-partners often begin the court process by filing documents about what the other parent has done wrong to try to support their legal position, which can be very hurtful to the other parent.
Third, conflict may have already existed in the relationship before the divorce, which lead to the final break-up (Amato & Afifi, 2006).
Fourth, conflict may be the result of interpersonal and personality problems by either parent. In these cases, divorce may begin to make one or both of the spouses feel very vulnerable (Johnston & Campbell, 1988) or the loss of the attachment to the other person may cause distress (Saini, 2007). Causing conflict may become a way to hang onto some form of relationship to the ex-partner, even if it is a negative way to do this.
When are parents most likely to be in high conflict?
Children are less exposed to high conflict when clear and consistent schedules are developed to limit the parents’ contact with each other. Parents can expose their children to conflict when there are no clear rules set up to organize parenting plans, no clear rules around boundaries between the parents, or unrealistic schedules that provide the parents with too much flexibility and too many opportunities to negotiate when they are realistically unable to communicate.
A well-crafted parenting plan to limit high conflict must be complete and detailed, and include strategies to reduce situations where conflict may occur, such as:
- transporting the child between homes
- exchanging the child for visits
- sharing information about the children
- schedule for telephone access including who can (and cannot) call and the times of these calls
- plans for attending the child’s school functions
- plans for parents’ involvement and watching the child participate in extracurricular activities (sports or music lessons, for example) and plans for transportation to the activities
- plans for moving things like the child’s clothes, belongings, and school books, from one home to the other
- rules about haircuts, earrings, and other changes to the child’s appearance while with either parent
- plans for special occasions such as the child’s birthday, the parents’ birthdays, extended family members’ birthdays, mother’s day, father’s day, religious holidays, summer schedule, and special trips out of the country.
Why is high conflict separation a problem for children?
Conflict has been found to be the most important factor in both children’s and parents’ adjustment after separation (Hetherington & Kelly) and a stronger predictor of how children cope after separation, than the actual event of separation (Emery, 1994). General conflicts between the parents after divorce can almost double the problems related to children’s coping and adjustment in cases where the conflict between parents was hostile or aggressive.
The presence of high conflict after divorce has been linked to higher rates of children with psychological and adjustment problems (Emery, 1999), higher rates of post-divorce litigation between ex-partners (going back to court after the divorce is final) (Emery, 1994), and higher rates of non-payment of child support (Braver, Wolchik, Sandler, Sheets, Fogas & Bay, 1993).
How do you protect against the negative impact of high conflict?
There are a number of protective buffers for a child caught between parents’ high conflict. First, children adjust better when they have a good relationship with at least one of the parents, a caregiver, or a mentor. Children do better when they have the support of their brothers and sisters, and when adequate boundaries are put around the conflict (Kelly, 2007). Children also do better when at least one of their parents provides appropriate warmth and caring, even when there is conflict between the parents.
Competent parenting can reduce the impact of separation and multiple changes to the children’s lives, and protect children against the negative impact of high conflict. A competent parent can balance or ‘make up for’ the negative effects of a non-competent parent who may be eager to engage in conflict.
How can communication be structured to reduce conflict?
Often, during a serious conflict, there is very little communication between the involved parties, and very little sharing of information, intents, and beliefs.
Even in normal situations, people often say things that are not interpreted in the way the statement was intended. When people are angry with each other, the likelihood of misinterpreting communication is greatly increased - to the point where it is almost bound to happen.
The people in the conflict do not have reliable methods for communicating with opposing parties. This may be because they do not want to communicate, or it may be because they are afraid to contact their opponents or have no way to do so. Sometimes the parties will break-off communication as a form of protest after an unpleasant incident. However, this lack of communication can increase the risk of it happening again in the future.
Sometimes communication can make things worse rather than better. When communication is threatening, hostile, or inflammatory it can do more to escalate a conflict than to resolve it.
When two people separate and/or divorce, their relationship as spouses ends. But because the parent-child relationship continues, they need to develop ways to handle new parenting responsibilities. Parents can work as a parenting team while keeping their personal lives separate. This type of relationship is generally best, but there are exceptions.
In some situations children need protection from a parent. Examples include when a parent has abused, neglected, or deserted a child. Continuing a relationship with this parent isn’t in the child’s best interests. In most families, however, it works best if both parents cooperate. Children adjust more quickly and have fewer long-term problems when they keep close, independent, and supportive relationships with both parents.
When parents cooperate, it makes for a better adjustment for the children.
What are some of the available services for high conflict families?
Growing unhappiness with the adversarial way that family disputes are processed in the courts, has created a need for the development of interventions and services to either limit conflict, or help parents and children get ‘unstuck’ from high conflict divorce. These include mediation, custody evaluations or assessments, supervised access programs, and psychological approaches.
Mediation, a form of Alternative Dispute Resolution, involves a process where a neutral third party mediator assists the parties with communication and negotiation, to help them to reach a voluntary agreement about issues such as child custody, visitation, support and property division issues. Mediation is often considered to be an issue-oriented, goal-directed, problem-solving approach, with the main goal of reaching an agreement. Mediators help parents resolve disputes by developing a process to balance power, while figuring out the parties’ positions and interests, and coming up with several options for identifying and prioritizing, and then negotiating, differences and alternatives until an agreement is reached (Johnston & Campbell, 1993).
Custody and access evaluations are usually conducted by psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, and other mental health professionals with the main goal of assisting the court by providing expert recommendations about the custody and access of the children involved in the dispute. The custody evaluations normally deal with the level of conflict between parents, parent functioning, child–parent relationships, and the children's developmental, social, emotional, and educational needs after separation and divorce. Custody and access evaluations are given a large amount of weight by the courts, with the expectation that custody evaluators will use the best available scientific evidence, and objective, reliable, and valid procedures within the evaluation process (Saini, 2008).
Supervised Access Program
The Supervised Access Programs provide a safe and secure setting where visits and exchanges can take place, while ensuring the safety of all participants, including staff. Staff and volunteers are trained to be sensitive to the needs of the child and to provide the court and/or lawyers with factual observations about the participants' use of the service. The staff and volunteers at the supervised access centres usually do not provide services such as counseling, mediation, therapy, or parent education, and all visits and exchanges are done on-site at the supervised access centre.
Psychological approaches for high conflict families
The main focus of the programs talked about above has been to find ways to limit the level, frequency and nature of high conflict by limiting the contact between the parents. Although family processes may begin to change while involved in these programs, the focus on improving problems between family members is considered secondary. Psychological approaches and intensive psychotherapies have been used with high conflict families. High-conflict divorcing families often seek therapy, sometimes because of the difficulty in living with these disputes, though more often because the court or lawyers have gotten involved.
What are 10 ways to protect children from the conflict?
1. Have clear, consistent schedules and rules.
2. Act responsibly so children are secure in knowing a responsible adult is taking care of them.
3. Avoid putdowns and talking badly about the other parent when the children are present.
4. Do not ask a child to relay a message to the other parent.
5. Do not ask a child what is going on in the other parent's life or household.
6. Do not use a child as a confidante (someone to ‘vent’ to) or depend on a child for emotional support.
7. Do not talk about the financial or emotional details of the divorce (or problems with child support) with the children.
8. Do not ask a child to keep a secret from the other parent.
9. Try to create as much stability and continuity between households as possible.
10. Get the emotional support you need to deal with the conflict so that you are better able to focus on the needs of your child.